Thursday, May 03, 2012

Boris is a brand: the Conservative Party’s best


A few weeks ago, Michael Gove said that today’s Mayoral election was not about Boris Johnson vs Ken Livingstone; it was not about trivial things like human personalities, but the direction of British politics for the next three years. If the Conservatives win, he averred, it will be a springboard to victory in 2015; if Labour wins, he mused, Ed Miliband will be immeasurably strengthened and consequently insufferable.

It’s not often that this blog disagrees with Michael Gove, but on this point it most certainly does. Today’s Mayoral election is very much about characters, temperaments and personalities. Frankly, the policy debate has been muted, and even ardent political anoraks would be hard-pressed to summarise the candidates’ manifesto pledges.

Boris is ahead in the polls today for one principal reason: he is popular among non-Tories.  Ken Livingstone is not even popular among Labour supporters, let alone wavering Tories and LibDems. The Greens have endorsed him, and by so doing have shown themselves to be completely unconcerned with the environmental priorities they profess, for Boris is by far the greener of the two.

But this isn’t a battle of political ideology: it isn’t even about ‘Boris bikes’, bendy buses, Crossrail or council tax. All of these Boris success stories are subsumed to his endearing charisma and his blond mop: Boris is a brand, a logo, a trademark; he is a distinct product identity. He transcends the tedium of politics, and dances dynamically in realms unattainable by other politicians. Here we are, in the wake of a disastrous Tory budget, a plethora of U-turns, unemployment rising, EU encroaching, gripped by double-dip recession, Leveson droning on and on, with Abu Qatada still dwelling among us. And Boris is the only Tory whose approval rating is on the up.

Boris is a cohesive force for good; an explosion of exuberant optimism. His presence is light; his persona brings joy. Ken Livingstone, on the other hand, is negative, dull and divisive. His mantra is anti-Semitic; his hypocrisy on tax avoidance has been laid bare. Boris talks about London and Londoners: Ken Livingstone talks interminably about Jews, Muslims, Gays and the need to make London ‘a beacon for Islam’. Boris is trusted and trustworthy; Ken Livingstone is neither. How many Conservative Party members, peers, MPs, columnists and bloggers have voiced their opposition to Boris? Is there one? And how many Labour Party members, peers, MPs, columnists and bloggers have been vociferous in opposing Ken Livingstone? Google it. But Lord Sugar summarised the consensus on Twitter: ‘NO-ONE vote for Livingstone… Livingstone must NOT get in on May 3.’

Ken Livingstone’s brand of sectarian socialism is outdated and otiose: he is as bankrupt intellectually as his party bankrupted the Treasury. Boris represents a strand of conservatism which remains vibrant and appealing, with a focus on law and order, defence, patriotism, immigration, over-regulation, tax reduction, and support for private enterprise. And he wants a referendum on Britain’s membership of the EU. He has little time for Guardianistas, and yet they love him. He doesn’t fit in with David Cameron’s Notting Hill clique, and yet they welcome him. Boris spans ideological gulfs, builds bridges across chasms, and is comfortable exploring the unfamiliar wastelands long ago abandoned by the Conservative Party. How many Tories have ever triumphed in Dagenham? He is Eton and Oxford, and relaxed about it. He is metropolitan and bourgeois, and revels in it. Today he must be re-elected simply because he is the best candidate to run London; he is a force for good in politics. And God forbid that the opening ceremony of the XXX Olympiad should be presided over by Ken Livingstone.

93 Comments:

Blogger SouthwarkVicar said...

What about Boris's clampdown on free speech for Christians, on the buses though?

Not sure you should give him QUITE such a ringing endorsement, your Grace !

(not that I am a fan of Livingstone either)

3 May 2012 10:43  
Blogger Sam Vega said...

Writing about Blondi like this is OK, but you will lose a lot of credibility if you say you want to marry him.

3 May 2012 11:14  
Blogger Jon said...

I agree with Sam Vega, enough with the bromance, Your Grace!

3 May 2012 11:37  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Your Grace

Ernst does not have the same opinion of Boris as you appear to have but Ernst is using the example of the lesser of two evils principle whilst voting for the mayoral candidate by remembering the slogan "Better the turban than the mitre", used by Orthodox Christians in the Balkans during the rise of the Ottoman Empire. Conquest by Western Roman Catholic powers (the mitre) would likely mean forcible conversion to the Catholic faith, while conquest by the Muslim Ottoman Empire (the turban) would mean second-class citizenship but would at least allow Orthodox Christians to retain their current religion.
Also the protestant Dutch resistance against Spanish rule in the 16th century used the slogan Liever Turks dan Paaps (better a Turk than a Papist).

So its a vote for Boris but no local vote for LIB/LAB/CON as UKIP must take precedence.
Does it really matter even if this produces hung councils..they all appear to have the same agenda to old Ernst!

E S Blofeld

3 May 2012 12:39  
Blogger Gary said...

Regarding this from SouthwarkVicar: "What about Boris's clampdown on free speech for Christians, on the buses though? Not sure you should give him QUITE such a ringing endorsement, your Grace !"

I too am puzzled and perplexed by Cranmer's constant praise for this Christophobe.

3 May 2012 12:43  
Blogger Sam Vega said...

Reviewing some of the pre-election posts of 2010, I am surprised to see the same tropes and phrases trotted out about Blondi on at least three occasions over two years. Mojo, Diana, lovable, common touch, etc.

Is such cut-and-paste recycling a sign that your ardour is fading? If my wife received from me a photocopy of last year's valentine, she would rightly feel aggrieved.

3 May 2012 12:49  
Blogger Naomi King said...

Well he did at least renege on his promise to publish a "LGBT Manifesto" before the election. Credit were credit is due. Pink News are not happy...

3 May 2012 12:54  
Blogger Naomi King said...

Boris Johnson: No separate LGBT manifesto and no answers to PinkNews readers’ questions

by James Park
2 May 2012, 10:15pm


Boris Johnson did point to some LGBT policies in his manifesto document



Incumbent Conservative Mayor of London Boris Johnson both appeared to reneged on his promise to launch an LGBT manifesto and a promise to answer the questions of PinkNews readers. But a document published last night entitled ‘Uniting Londoners’ does contain a number of LGBT policies and a reference to PinkNews.

Just days ago, Mr Johnson told Scott Roberts of GaydarRadio that he would be unveiling an LGBT manifesto to an “amazed world”.

Quizzed on whether the manifesto would include any new information or pledges for London’s gay and transgender citizens, the Mayor said: “The best thing you can do is devour it, it’s going to be good.”

The ‘Uniting Londoners’ document contains four specific pledges relating to LGBT people and a reference to PinkNews.co.uk in its citations. “Ensure the Met continues to crack down on hate crimes and homophobic crimes”; “Guarantee there remains at least one designated LGBT liaison police officer in every borough, to ensure they are able to deal with homophobic instances sensitively”; “I will continue to support projects like the FIT DVD to secondary schools as a resource to combat homophobic bullying” and “I will continue to support events like Pride, and ensure the LGBT community are part of the Cultural Olympiad.”

Separately, Mr Johnson had committed to answer the questions of PinkNews.co.uk readers, but as yet with just hours before the polls open, this publication has yet to receive his responses. Siobhan Benita, Jenny Jones and Brian Paddick have so far agreed to face readers’ questions. Mr Livingstone declined to take part in a live question and answer session because of time constraints, but has sent in responses to readers’ questions. Even the BNP candidate Carlos Cortiglia answered questions.

While Mr Johnson did not bother to answer PinkNews readers’ questions, eagle eyed viewers may have noticed paid advertisements for his campaign booked by the Conservative Party appearing on PinkNews.co.uk, directing readers to his own campaign website.

3 May 2012 12:59  
Blogger Youthpasta said...

For those wanting to vote UKIP, make sure you check what name they are advertised under.
For example, in my City and East constituency the UKIP candidate is under the party name "Fresh Choice For London", although if you look at the avatar beside the candidate (which I did only after I'd placed my cross) it is a UKIP banner.

Because of this idiotic naming situation I have voted Conservative (better the party you know than the ones you don't or don't like!) rather than UKIP for the constituency vote.

What I want to know is whether this was a party choice, a candidate choice or ineptitude by those running the election!

3 May 2012 13:08  
Blogger Damian said...

I too am puzzled by Cranmer's praise for Boris, reading this post I am surprised Boris is not walking on water or turning water into wine.

I must question Boris and his morals though, if he is such a decent fellow, why is he a member of a party that is complicit in treason,sedition,corruption,the murder and maiming of hundreds of thousands in illegal wars, the keeping quiet of the mass rape of young girls, and the general destruction of this country? Just to mention a few.

Does he agree with all of the above? He has never spoken about these outrages.In law, silence is always taken as approval

I know that I, being a decent person could never join or represent in any way a party that was involved in any of the above.

Thinking about it, I must then call into question Cramers morals for supporting one of the three parties that are guilty of the above crimes and many more.

3 May 2012 13:17  
Blogger Jon said...

Damian - not to mention the fact that he's shagged his way around London. I'm surprised the Inspector hasn't blown a gasket yet - Boris has had more sex than the whole of Soho combined! Just think of the children!!!

3 May 2012 13:25  
Blogger Jon said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

3 May 2012 13:27  
Blogger Jon said...

Also - there was a Christian political party on my ballot paper in Tower Hamlets. I await the Inspector's involvement in it (and its inevitable triumph at the next general election) with trepidation!!

3 May 2012 13:27  
Blogger John Thomas said...

Again, I'm with SouthwarkVicar, Gary, Naomi, and the rest. A vote for Boris is no less an anti-Christian vote than voting for Livingstone is pro-Islamist. Unhappy-same-sex-attracted people have every right to a hearing, counselling, treatment, etc., and Boris was a total fascist for trying to prevent that. Better not to vote at all, than to vote for these awful two.

3 May 2012 14:02  
Blogger Hereward said...

Better not to vote at all, than to vote for these awful two

Quite so.

Hedonist versus Islamist. What a choice.

3 May 2012 15:39  
Blogger Josh VB said...

Jon (13:25) raises an interesting point about Boris' sexual ethics. Christians are being hypocritical when we condemn homosexual behaviour but turn a blind eye to adultery.

3 May 2012 16:10  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Don't know what you are all complaining about, there could have been someone horrendously worse on offer as a choice for mayor (Thank God it was too late for him to throw his hat in as a candidate)...Tony Blair AKA The Slim Shady, has given indications that WE desperately need HIM, so he is doing us the jolly decent service of coming back to save us all from ourselves.

Sir, I salute your courage against our fury at your monstrous destruction of our nation, your strength despite everything we have done to weaken your vain-glorious pride and ambition, your indefatigability whilst all here have tired, to the high level of despair, of your new labour nonsense, and I want you to know that the terrorists that are British born/bred and the foreign 'others' you have knowingly allowed in to our wonderful country because of your machinations against us, are with you, hatta al-nasr, hatta al-nasr, hatta al-Quds [until victory, until victory, until Jerusalem].

Ernst Blofeld, you satanic middle east peace envoy charlatan.

3 May 2012 17:20  
Blogger Youthpasta said...

With respect to whoever said "Better not to vote at all, than to vote for these awful two" first, not at all!

If you don't vote you have no say in what happens. And if it is a 2-way battle, as it almost certainly is, then far better to vote for the least objectionable option than the worse of them, because the lesser of 2 evils, at least politically speaking, is far better than going the whole hog.
Clearly, it would be better to have the perfect candidate that represented one's views, but since that rarely happens it is pragmatism that must come in to play.

Thus I voted UKIP first choice and Boris second, because if UKIP chappy doesn't make it to the final 2 then the final 2 will almost certainly be Boris and Ken, and I know who I DON'T want to win from that!

3 May 2012 17:31  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Your Grace, your gushing fawning is out of place on this occasion. Whichever of those two front running scoundrels win, we are assured of the future promotion at mayoral level of brown hattery in the Capital.

Makes a decent fellow quite faint just thinking about it, don’t you know…

3 May 2012 17:32  
Blogger Jon said...

Better a brown hat than a black shirt, Inspector.

3 May 2012 17:36  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Jon. The Inspector deplores adultery along with the next Christian. There can’t be anyone who hasn’t seen the effect that it, being amongst the worst of betrayals, has had to a nearby fellow soul. It is particularly heartbreaking to see the effect on young children. One wonders how selfish the offender must be when everyone who has any sense knows the grief and harm caused will spread out like blood from a wounded animal. Selfishness knows no limit.

But campaigning against it ? What’s the point. It happens. Like being homosexual.

And note this. No adulterers want to visit our schools and present the positive side of adultery. To convince our young that it’s a valid lifestyle. There are no adultery pride marches, and no adulterers campaigning for a change in the law to allow their concubines to be allowed into their marriage. Neither is there pressure on the church to marry adulterers. The church has said no, it’s against its teachings. At least adulterers recognise this and that’s an end to it. Do they think they are less equal as a result - maybe, but that’s the way it is.

So, what is there to campaign against ? Do dwell on this post for a bit….

3 May 2012 17:37  
Blogger Jon said...

I don't need to dwell on your post - it's the same one you always write.

Firstly, some adulterers are advocating changes in the law to protect them from divorce payouts, Inspector. Wrong.

Secondly, adultery is something you do, not something you are. Your attempt to de-legitimise homosexuality by linking it to a behaviour is therefore spurious. But since you ask, Boris's career is pretty much a straight- pride adultery parade, isn't it? I don't mind, but perhaps you ought to?

Thirdly, gays aren't trying to get married in a church. This lie has been killed again and again. Stop peddling it - it makes it look like you can't read.

Fourthly, it's possible to make adultery less common - by making marriage something people think about more seriously before embarking on (you can argue that with Katie Price if you like). And also, showing how poor choices early on impact on children. And perhaps asking straight people to jump through some hoops before they sprog (just like gays have to). But you'd never have that as it would interfere with your oft- stated divine mission of marriage to "go forth and multiply".

You don't care about kids of divorce any more than you care about anything else. You just want a rod to beat others' backs. Every time I walk down Cable Street, I think how a curious alliance beat your type back. Sadly, we're still having to.

3 May 2012 17:49  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Jon, some adulterers are advocating changes in the law to protect them from divorce payouts,

News to the Inspector. But he does know that some of these fabulously wealthy scorned women battle to have the divorce heard in London. Perhaps it is time to reign in the pay outs. Inspector has sneaky feeling these women have been co-respondents in their own right, helping push the previous wife out of the nest.

As for the collation of the behaviour of campaigning homosexuals and adulterers, the Inspector doesn’t think that’s been raised on this site during his time. You could say he is as pleased as a dog with two dicks on that...

Gays not wanting to get married in church ? Get away. The Inspector wouldn’t trust Stonewall if they said night follows day...

Delightful to see you resort to the ‘fascist’ shout, my dear fruit. Rather annoyed with the Inspector tonight are we, what !

3 May 2012 18:20  
Blogger Mr Integrity said...

Your Grace,
Boris is a cohesive force for good; an explosion of exuberant optimism. His presence is light; his persona brings joy and He transcends the tedium of politics, and dances dynamically in realms unattainable by other politicians.
Such prose is one of His Grace’s unique talents and even though his eloquent adulation of Boris may have minimized his weakness in respect of Gay association, I do believe he is the best politician for London.
Southwark Vicar: Yes he banned the adverts but frankly they needed to be banned, they were an embarrassment.
To all: This is Politics. We don’t have much choice and Boris will be best for London. We are not voting for a saint. We can’t expect him to be a saint but he is the best of a bad bunch. We will need to sensitively lobby him on the gay issues.

3 May 2012 19:24  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Jon said ...
... adultery is something you do, not something you are."

Adultery is adultery; peadophilia is peadophilai and bestiality is beastiality.

These acts are something you do. And they are all wrong, wrong, wrong. Nobody is forced to engage in such behaviours unless they are suffering some form of compulsive disorder and this does not absolve them of responsibility.

And, like the Inspector observed, nobody campaigns to normalise these pervertions apart from homosexuals and they are hardly shining examples of fidelity in relationships.

Homesexual acts are something you do. If you must, do them in private and stop trying to normalise them. People are not defined by their sexual proclivities.

3 May 2012 19:40  
Blogger bluedog said...

Well said, the Inspector.

Your Grace, the concern this communicant has with your apparent advocacy of personality (Boris) over policy (this page left blank deleberately by both leading candidates) is that it so often leads to grief. Falling in love with Boris means implicitly embracing Turkish entry to the EU. After all, a second-cousin of Boris leads the Turkish delegation preparing for EU entry, something Boris supports.

It therefore surprises that you can say 'And he wants a referendum on Britain’s membership of the EU'.

Would this be a cast-iron expression of desire on the part of Boris?

Or is he just pleased to see the voters?

Having said this, your communicant does believe that Boris is a brilliant Mayor and that he will excel in the role during the Olympics.

3 May 2012 19:40  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Good post on the Turks, that Bluedog. Anyone living in a large town or city will know all about these fellows. God alone knows how many of them will arrive if they were here legally. Those young Turks who do stay behind in Turkey have a standard of living 1/3 that of the UK. Somebody press the ‘stop’ button before it’s too late..

3 May 2012 19:59  
Blogger anna anglican said...

Your Grace,

Boris has supported action against the religious right- you yourself disagreed with this (as did I). So do you agree with him that the pink vote outweighs your christian concern? Or is it just become Boris is part of the Tory tribe and if it had been labour you'd be giving him/her the hell fire treatment ?

At least Len, Inspector, Dodo ,Carl, Naomi are consistent in their views! You appear to be sounding the horn for dogmatic political triablism here!

3 May 2012 22:30  
Blogger Mr Integrity said...

I have heard it said from someone who claimed to be in the know that the Turkish economy is so strong in comparison to most of the EU countries that they may decide not to join if given the opportunity.
As I have said before I have no problem with Turkey being in as long as the UK is out.

3 May 2012 22:48  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Anna. The Inspector suspects that the Archbishop is a loyal party member, and thus must fly the flag, no matter how distasteful the recipient....

Now about us. Inspector ready to roll over on his back and offer you the front right paw of friendship. To be followed by a session of thigh licking to heal our past differences. What you say ?

3 May 2012 22:53  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Inspector

Now what would your nurse say to such a proposal? Thigh licking, indeed!

3 May 2012 23:18  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Dodo. There is Maltese blood coursing through the Inspector’s veins. Now, divorce is a rarity there. Could it be because the men know how to appreciate and love their women ?

3 May 2012 23:27  
Blogger Alpha Draconis said...

Anna Anglican

My time spies have told me that you have the Koh-i-Noor! The Draconis must have it! Give it to me now or face the wrath of the Draconis Empire!

3 May 2012 23:31  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Inspector
That or their women are very tolerant.

The Maltese are a wonderful people; true to God in their ways. Let us pray it remains that way.

Just watch your Irish blood, that man!

3 May 2012 23:50  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Alpha

You will face the wrath of the British if you dare attempt to seize the Koh-i-Noor!

It carries a curse affecting males who wear it, but not females. All the men who have owned it have lost their thrones or had other misfortunes befall them.

Hands off you reptile!

3 May 2012 23:54  
Blogger non mouse said...

Today’s Mayoral election is very much about characters, temperaments and personalities. Oh, indeed Your Grace; as ever, one appreciates your writerly technique!

Myself, when young, did begin to analyse "charm." More recently, I have sought a satisfactory definition for the concept "larger than life." Maybe Boris is it!!!

I certainly agree that his persona will suitably adorn the 'fun' of the games.

3 May 2012 23:54  
Blogger carl jacobs said...

Jon

Homosexuality manifests itself as a behavior. Behavior is chosen. You cannot justify chosen behavior by appealing to nature unless you are willing to assert that all natural behaviors are good. You will not be able to sustain that argument.

In addition, there is no proof that a man chooses to engage in homosexual behavior because it is his nature to do so. The only actual evidence for this assertion would be the self-serving declaration of the homosexual himself. But that is simply an assertion of the legitimacy of authentic desire, and authentic desire is never its own legitimization. Beyond that, how do you tell if someone is homosexual? You must observe his chosen behavior. In which case you are validating his chosen behavior by means of his chosen behavior.

Ultimately your argument reduces to an a priori assertion that homosexual behavior is morally good. The 'nature' argument is presented only to diffuse moral objections. But it is a carefully screened 'nature' argument. A man shouldn't look too far beyond its boundaries or its problems will become self-evident.

carl

4 May 2012 04:48  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Dodo: "Homesexual acts are something you do. If you must, do them in private and stop trying to normalise them. People are not defined by their sexual proclivities."

Of course an act is something one does, by definition. Homosexuality is an orientation and sexuality is an inherent aspect of being human bound up with core personality. One can normally choose to abstain from acting on it but why would one do so unless there's a good reason? We're naturally sexual beings and living one's whole life suppressing one's sexual nature sounds pretty extreme and unhealthy to me. Unless there's a very good reason for restraint, such as it causing harm to others, to be heterosexual or homosexual essentially implies a sex life as part of the human condition.

4 May 2012 06:27  
Blogger Gary said...

Homosexuality is something to repent of - not something to be celebrated on the side of buses.

4 May 2012 07:30  
Blogger Youthpasta said...

And with one fell swoop Dan declares that anyone who remains celibate is a weirdo. How accepting you are!

4 May 2012 08:59  
Blogger MrTinkles said...

At the risk of causing distress i feel the need to return to YGs point.
While I think you have a point...and certainly personality is a legitimate quality to consider in a presidential-like position such as mayor...Boris is just such a buffoon! Although, you're correct, Ken is such a charmless, unpleasant human being...
The two main political parties should be ashamed of themselves if these two really do represent the best options they could find to represent our capital city.
If the best that can be said for Boris is that he will be a bit less embarrassing at the Olympics...(although judging by his performance in Beijing, we'll still all be cringing this summer)...
I have much to thank God for this morning - as always - but not least is that, having moved away from the metropolis many years ago...I wasn't faced with choosing between them yesterday.

4 May 2012 09:14  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Mr Tinkles

Welcome back, my boy. Long time no sea.

You always speak such sense, its always pleasure to hear what you have to say .

Ernst

4 May 2012 12:44  
Blogger Jon said...

Dodo said: "Adultery is adultery; peadophilia is peadophilai and bestiality is beastiality." (sic). I bow to the infinitely superior experience of the Catholic Church in these matters...

Carl - no, I'm not asserting that homosexual behaviour is a priori good, I'm asserting it's no different to heterosexual behaviour, that's all. As Danj0 said, this behaviour derives from an orientation, and this orientation is natural. I'm not saying it's good or bad, but if you're saying that being straight is "good" because you believe it to be so based on a selectively edited book, I'll claim the same based on whatever I like, thanks.

Inspector: "News to the Inspector. But he does know that some of these fabulously wealthy scorned women battle to have the divorce heard in London. Perhaps it is time to reign in the pay outs." Sounds like a campaigning heterosexual to me! Just a tip, though - beige isn't a good colour on floats, Inspector. And you'll need some new pants if you're gonna dance in them!

4 May 2012 13:45  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Jon
So pleased you are seeing the light and accept Catholicism is correct. Here's the bit you overlooked:

"These acts are something you do. And they are all wrong, wrong, wrong. Nobody is forced to engage in such behaviours unless they are suffering some form of compulsive disorder ..."

If you need a counsellor to overcome your disorder, let me know and I'll recommend one.

4 May 2012 13:56  
Blogger carl jacobs said...

Jon

this behaviour derives from an orientation, and this orientation is natural.

What are you really doing? You are inferring an orientation from the presence of authentic desire and then you are justifying the authentic desire by the existence of the orientation. It's a classic bootstrap. Your assertion that 'this orientation is natural' has no basis in fact. Neither does it address the question of morality. People desire to do evil things. Evil doesn't become good simply because someone asserts that the behavior results from a natural orientation.

carl

4 May 2012 15:08  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Dodo offered help to poor Jon.

"If you need a counsellor to overcome your disorder, let me know and I'll recommend one."

Emile Shauffhausen; personal quack to the deluded, desperate and just plain bonkers.

"Welcome, you are through to Dr Emile Shauffhausen's Psychiatric Disorder Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you suffer from multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear."

Ernst's personal favourite snippet from Dodo's Psychiatrist secret diary is

"May 4th 2008

12.38pm

Dodo: Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a Bird.
Dr Emile Shauffhausen:How long has this been going on, my boy?
Dodo: Oh, since I was a chick!

12.42pm
Dodo: Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Dr Emile Shauffhausen: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...

12.58pm
Dodo: Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Dr Emile Shauffhausen:Next!

12.59pm

Dr Emile Shauffhausen: Dodo, my boy, just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!"

Ernst

4 May 2012 15:31  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Gary: "Homosexuality is something to repent of - not
something to be celebrated on the side of buses."

That's fair enough if one is a Christian but it's nonsense for the rest of us. Many Muslims take a dim view of alcohol and no doubt some think an advert for Carlsberg on the aide of a bus is a poor show. Do you care a hoot what they think or stop having a beer to make them feel better? I don't. If you don't either then hold that thought, swap to the topic of homosexuality, and apply it there. We'll be on the same page then. :)

4 May 2012 15:37  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

A fellow goes into a near empty bar and sees another fella propping it up. He walks over asks, tentatively, "Um, hello mate, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

He responds by yelling, at the top of his lungs, "NO! Just because I'm on my own doesn't mean I'm Gay!" The few people in the bar are now staring at them.
Naturally, the poor fellow is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to a table in the corner.

After a few minutes, the other fellow walks over to him and apologises. He smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you mate. You see, I'm a post graduate student in psychology and the philosophy of J S Mill, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations that gay people are put in and the discrimination they have to endure."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200 and you can be Daddy ?!"

Ernst

4 May 2012 16:18  
Blogger Gary said...

Regarding this from Danjo: "That's fair enough if one is a Christian but it's nonsense for the rest of us."

No, it's true for all men and women everywhere and for all time. Homosexuality is a great evil and it is always something to repent of. If you cannot recognize it as evil then you are enslaved to the father of lies.

4 May 2012 16:36  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Gary: "No, it's true for all men and women everywhere and for all time."

Lol. Religious nutter alert!

4 May 2012 17:33  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Jon. at 13:45

Your arguments seem to be running out of, well let’s just say, ‘argument’. But then, you are merely the Gay Boy Wonder, following behind the Caped Queer Crusader DanJ0. (…The allegoric comparing of that famous Gotham city duo to you two is rather good, don’t you think…)

Right. Let’s see what’s in today’s lucky bag…

You say that homosexual behaviour is no different to heterosexual behaviour. Well, upto a point, outside of the bedroom. (…Whatever you types do behind that door is your business, no one else’s) But there are rules. First, don’t frighten the horses. Second, not in front of the children. Third, for God’s sake don’t tell us or let us see. We really don’t want to know.

The big difference between us is that you lot seem to eat, breath, and sing your way of life. Why ? To recruit, or maybe you need to continually reassure yourselves your bizarre lifestyle is valid. Oh yes, don’t forget the ‘confused’ children you people want to take under your wing. Inspector deeply suspicious there, so he is. We know what’s in it for the established gays, young rump to prey upon, no less. Involving the nefarious separating of young people from their families – and crowing about it too !

As for a change in the divorce pay out laws. Yes, it is rather overdue. Too many gold diggers at large. But expressing an opinion is hardly campaigning for it. Stonewall has 60 staff, so the Inspector read. SIXTY ! That’s a bloody war footing. Now THAT’S campaigning, and it will never stop. Never ever. Get secular gay marriage, and the day after you’ll be wanting it in church. Get gay adoption as a right, and you’ll be wanting the pick of what’s available.

The Gay Agenda – there’s so much more to it. (….To paraphrase that advert for the TV times from 40 years ago…).

PS. Who pays for Stonewall’s staff – not your sacred taxpayer is it by any chance. You know the one, the one you say shouldn’t give tax relief for the upkeep of churches… {INPECTOR ASSUMES WRY SMILE}

4 May 2012 17:37  
Blogger Jon said...

Carl said "What are you really doing? You are inferring an orientation from the presence of authentic desire and then you are justifying the authentic desire by the existence of the orientation. It's a classic bootstrap. Your assertion that 'this orientation is natural' has no basis in fact."

No, I'm inferring an orientation from my own a posteriori experience and I've then acted on my desires, after having repressed them for a long time whilst my orientation didn't go away. How do you know you're not gay, Carl? Is it because you've never had the urge to have sex with men?

Classic bootstrap, girlfriend. x

4 May 2012 17:39  
Blogger Jon said...

Firstly, I'm most flattered to be DanJ0's Robin. I don't think I've quite earned that yet... Better than being Alfred, though, eh, old boy?

Sorry Inspector but you're a "confirmed bachelor" in the Catholic Church. Forgive me if I don't take your advice on child rearing! Your lot have quite the reputation there...

I don't live and breathe my sexuality. Most people I work with don't know and wouldn't care. I argue with you because you're (weirdly) obsessed with it and I'll defend my rights to do whatever you can do. Why are you obsessed with it by the way? I don't think you've ever really answered that.

I look forward to the Inspector Party standing in my next election so you can get your fabulous on in public.

4 May 2012 17:47  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Jon: "I'm not saying it's good or bad, but if you're saying that being straight is "good" because you believe it to be so based on a selectively edited book, I'll claim the same based on whatever I like, thanks."

Well, quite. If I had a quid for every time one of the religious relies on what appears to be an instance of the naturalistic fallacy then I'd be a rich man now.

4 May 2012 17:47  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Inspector: "Oh yes, don’t forget the ‘confused’ children you people want to take under your wing. Inspector deeply suspicious there, so he is."

I bet you find it rather thrilling at some level and you're consciously disturbed by that fact. I bet a penile plethysmograph would reveal the truth, your sort of emotional response has been quite indicative in the past.

4 May 2012 17:55  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Youthpasta: "And with one fell swoop Dan declares that anyone who remains celibate is a weirdo. How accepting you are!"

Actually I'm very accepting of (say) the notion of monks and nuns, especially cloistered ones. Obviously I think it's rather weird, and possibly a terrible waste of life, but as a liberal I'm naturally inclined to support diversity nevertheless.

4 May 2012 18:01  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

Rather think Northcote would make an interestingly embittered ‘Alfred’...

The Inspector is not a confirmed bachelor. He is seeing his dear nurse, who ticks all the right boxes. His love is still of child bearing age and the Inspector is firing live ammunition, so he may be enriched by child benefit yet.

On a different subject, anyone seen the Argentinian Olympic promotion yet. What a scream ! Trust Johnny Dago to have your man laughing out loud...

A ‘penile plethysmograph’ eh. Can just imagine the local gay club fund raising for one of those ! You gay boys and your toys, what !

4 May 2012 18:42  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Inspector: "The Inspector is not a confirmed bachelor. He is seeing his dear nurse, who ticks all the right boxes."

Ah, the suddenly convenient girlfriend. Bless. They're actually called 'beards' in this context, you know. ;)

4 May 2012 18:46  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Ernsty

That's more like it! Bit of humour to brighten up the day without all the religious nonsense and endless random quotes.

Here's a prayer for you. Say it regularly as you take your medication:

Senility Prayer

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Now that your "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's a few tips:

1) You started out with nothing, and still have most of it.
2) Your wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3) You've finally got your head together; now your body is falling apart.
4) Funny, you don't remember being absent minded ...
5) Funny, you don't remember being absent minded ...
6) What were we talking about?
7) It's easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8) It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
9) If God wanted you to touch your toes, he would have put them on your knees.
1o) It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere!
12) These days, you'll spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... you go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm I here after.
13) If all is not lost, then where is it?

4 May 2012 18:53  
Blogger Office of Inspector General said...

DanJ0. Your cynicism is amusing but groundless...

Incidentally, there is anecdotal evidence that interrupting the blood supply to the brain for a second or two can change a chaps sexual inclination. Fancy being normal ?

4 May 2012 19:00  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Ernsty to his pastor:
"I feel just like a newborn baby. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Ernsty to his neighbour:
"I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but its state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty", he replied.

Ernsty's night prayer:

"Lord, I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm
half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank you Lord, I still have my driver's license"

4 May 2012 19:06  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Inspector: "DanJ0. Your cynicism is amusing but groundless..."

;)

4 May 2012 20:14  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Dodo

"That's more like it! Bit of humour to brighten up the day without all the 'religious nonsense' and 'endless' random quotes."

Such a crying shame you cannot take a leaf out of your own book !
*Chortles my boy*

Ernst and senility...funny you should say that...

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Ernst, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Ernst replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's fantastic! What was the name of the clinic?"

Ernst went blank. He thought and thought, but still couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across old Ernst's face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic I went to?" ;-o

Ernsty

ps

Hear the one about the Pope who went to see a psychiatrist?

As the new patient was settling comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session, "Now I am not fully aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the Pope. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Disorders can be a burden and so tiresome my lad but cheer up. Always try and remember that the best thing about being schizophrenic is that you're never alone.

4 May 2012 22:24  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

... but I'm enjoying a dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality disorder.

It's way better than schizophrenia as I get to be all sorts of different characters.

Ernsty went to his pastor and said;
"Pastor, my pussy just died, can you please conduct a memorial service for that poor creature?" Pastor: "I don't conduct memorial service for animals in my church. There's a new church down the road, maybe they can help."
Ernsty: "Do you think they will accept £5,000 in return for a good memorial service?"
Pastor: "HOLY LORD! You didn't tell me your pussie was Born Again!"

Ernsty was in the jungle fasting and praying. Suddenly, he sighted a lion charging towards him. He quickly closed his eyes and prayed:
"Father, Lord, let this lion become Born Again."
When he opened his eyes, the lion in a kneeling position asked him "Are you through with your prayer?"
Answering "Yes", the lion said its own prayer:
"Bless this food, Oh Lord, through your Son. AMEN."

4 May 2012 23:07  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

One for little pope len as he may be feeling left out.

A preacher was baptising people in the river. len walks into the water and bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around he asks len, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies len, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

len replies, "No, I haven’t." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

len again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks him in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When len begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks him again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

len wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

4 May 2012 23:13  
Blogger non mouse said...

Do 'scanners' and 'count staff' enumerate spoilt votes? Will tptb let us know the number thereof? And whether or not they have included that number in the 'turnout' percentage?

5 May 2012 00:13  
Blogger carl jacobs said...

Jon

How do you know you're not gay, Carl? Is it because you've never had the urge to have sex with men?

You are asking the wrong question. The correct question is "How do I know that I am intended to have sex with women?" The answer is self-evident. It is found in the complementarity of the genders and the necessity of heterosexuality for reproduction. There is nothing in all of existence that provides comparable justification for homosexuality. You ask "How do I know that I was intended to have sex with men?" The only answer you can give is "Because I want to." That isn't any kind of answer at all.

carl

5 May 2012 00:20  
Blogger non mouse said...

Thank you for tweeting the London result, Your Grace.

I see the grauniad (online) credits the difference between the main contenders as 62,548.

5 May 2012 00:29  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Dodo the Spirit Denier

There was a Born Again Christian lady who lived next door to a grumpy Roman Catholic man.

Everyday, when the lady prayed, the Roman Catholic could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know He doesn't answer her prayers, she's not a Roman Catholic"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know you have to be a Roman Catholic for God to answer prayers?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do. AS USUAL, the Roman Catholic heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph. I'll show her."

He went to the Co-Op, bought a whole load of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting for all to hear!

The Roman Catholic then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You crazy old lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought them!"

Well, now she ran out and started running down the street, shouting even louder and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was.

She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries because He promised, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

Ernst

5 May 2012 00:30  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

During an ecumenical swopping of clergy it was the Baptist minister's turn to speak to the Roman Catholic gathering over the next two Sundays.

The minister would up the services the first Sunday service by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and
said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and
read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, "You are the very people I want to talk
to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

Ernst

5 May 2012 00:49  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Sorry, it must be the way you tell 'em but that just isn't funny.

5 May 2012 00:52  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

Now the second one is funny!

5 May 2012 00:53  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

A drunken irishman staggers in to a Roman Catholic church, sits down in a confession box and says nothing.

The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Ernst

5 May 2012 00:53  
Blogger E.xtra S.ensory Blofeld + Tiddles said...

Dodo the Dude said...

Sorry, it must be the way you tell 'em but that just isn't funny.

It was a parody, you silly boy

5 May 2012 00:55  
Blogger non mouse said...

Again from Your Grace's tweets: People like individuality, conviction and authenticity. Yes-- those elements shine through the personas of the most charismatic people. Whether or not they lack an extra 'something' Churchill had, I still see that mix in Kennedy, MLK, and also in men like Elvis and Johnny Cash. That's why their enemies' "revelations" are irrelevant.

5 May 2012 01:19  
Blogger Gary said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

5 May 2012 08:27  
Blogger Gary said...

To DanJO.

If loving the one who saved me and loving his holy word makes me a "religious nutter" then I am guilty as charged.

5 May 2012 08:31  
Blogger len said...

Me too!.

5 May 2012 08:33  
Blogger non mouse said...

And, as Boris said tonight: "May the forth [sic] be with you!"

5 May 2012 09:08  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Gary: "If loving the one who saved me and loving his holy word makes me a "religious nutter" then I am guilty as charged."

No, it's the ignoring of the point and reasserting your religious beliefs as fact and simply expecting non-believers to accept it because you say so that makes you a bit of a religious nutter. A fingers-in-the-ears, la-la-la-la nutter.

5 May 2012 09:45  
Blogger Gary said...

Regarding this from DanJO: "No, it's the ignoring of the point and reasserting your religious beliefs as fact and simply expecting non-believers to accept it because you say so that makes you a bit of a religious nutter. A fingers-in-the-ears, la-la-la-la nutter."

Actually, I don't expect non-believers to accept anything I say. Most are so in the thrall of their worldly appetites, cravings and toys that they are incapable of recognizing the truth of the holy gospel. My duty as a Christian is simply to take every thought captive for Christ (as best I can) and to constantly assert the crown rights of my redeemer to the offspring of the serpent.

5 May 2012 10:39  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Gary: "Most are so in the thrall of their worldly appetites, cravings and toys that they are incapable of recognizing the truth of the holy gospel."

No doubt many Muslims feel the same way, only believing the Qur'an is the Truth instead, and that people like you are incapable of recognising it. *shrug* You're all deluded as far as I'm concerned and in thrall to your indoctrinated belief systems and the organisations which maintain them. I only wish I could free you from it and help you live a better life. Afterall, it's almost certainly the only one you've got.

5 May 2012 10:53  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

DanJ0 said ...

" ... it's almost certainly the only one you've got."

Not completely sure, are you?

5 May 2012 11:39  
Blogger DanJ0 said...

Dodo: "Not completely sure, are you?"

No, of course not, and I've made that clear many times: I'm rationally uncertain. I think everyone ought to be. The theist, at last in theory, is either irrationally or subjectively certain of his beliefs, whether those beliefs are about Allah, or about YHWH, or about whatever.

Put a committed Muslim and a committed Christian together and they can argue until they're blue in the face about the Truth, both believing wholeheartedly that they're right ... while either none or only one of them can actually be so.

5 May 2012 12:35  
Blogger len said...

God`s Word is Truth, verified through the Lord Jesus Christ, wholly God wholly man. Even the briefest glimpse at the Scriptures will reveal He is exactly who he claimed to be and Jesus Christ revealed God to Humanity.

Muslims have the word of a... man.

Secularists have their own word,their own faith,.... in... themselves

All other religions have a founder.... a man.

5 May 2012 15:13  
Blogger Naomi King said...

I think Boris needs to think very hard about his banning of the bus adverts of Anglian Mainstream, during the pre election month of April, which answered the Gay Pride declaration on 1000 buses throughout the month which said ‘Some People Are Gay. Get Over It!’ with a link to Stonewall’s equal marriage campaign website.

Boris Johnson came very close to losing his post as Mayor of London because of this politically bad judgement.

The only major UK political party which objects to the Prime Minister's sexual liberalisation programme is UKIP. Nationally UKIP polled 14% of the vote, 3% more than the Liberal Democrats got on 11%. This is a very significant factor in undermining the Tory's ability to win next time round at the General Election.

However in the London Capital, because of an as yet an unexplained mislabelling of the UKIP candidate as "Fresh Choice For London" instead of UKIP he only received 2% of the vote (compared to 14% nationally).

How different things could have been for Boris Johnson if the UKIP candidate had been correctly labelled...

5 May 2012 15:49  
Blogger len said...

I think Boris came close to losing the election because he was a Conservative.

Conservatism has taken on an entirely different meaning under Cameron and Cameron`s brand of Conservatism almost took Boris down .It says much about Boris that he survived despite being a Conservative.

7 May 2012 09:55  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

little pope len

Yes, a Conservative who believes in homosexual marriage and is a serial adulterer!

7 May 2012 11:18  
Blogger len said...

Dodo,
People in glass houses?.

8 May 2012 23:25  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

little pope len
And by that you mean? I am neither a homosexual nor an adulterer. Are
you talking about yourself?

Of course, according to your, er, 'theology' no matter what one does salvation is assurred regardless - just so long as one has "faith alone". Sin away, just retain faith!

8 May 2012 23:40  
Blogger len said...

Dodo, If you are saying that faith alone is a 'licence to sin' then I must have preached the Gospel to you exactly as Paul preached the Gospel.. Because he was often accused of exactly the same thing you accuse me of.

Paul says first Corinthians 6:9:

'Don't you know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were.([They were; they are no longer.) Some of them are still struggling, and some of them do occasionally fail and go back to some of these things. But there's a vast difference. They no longer are that way -- there has been a break, a change in their lifestyle. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God [and therefore there cannot be the same style of life].' {1 Cor 6:9-11 NIV}

If you are born again you have a New Spirit and God who is The Spirit looks at the spirit not the outer condition of Man.

My born again Spirit cannot sin and has no inclination to sin, the power of sin has no attraction to it at all.

10 May 2012 20:15  
Blogger Dodo the Dude said...

little pope len

Your "born again spirit" as opposed to you immortal soul, I think you mean.

And the "outer condition of Man"? This can continue in sin? Such sin has no effect on the soul or the spirit?

What nonsense!

10 May 2012 22:30  
Blogger len said...

Dodo read Romans 6.

The' nonsense 'you refer to is sacred scripture.

17 May 2012 20:10  

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